In this article I'm going to share with you two powerful tools for beating premature ejaculation and lasting longer during sex.
But first I want to talk about cars.
Your car has a speedometer and rev counter. Mine even tells me when to change gear. It's got a gas pedal, brakes, gear stick, windows and mirrors so you can control the car, respond to hills and bends and react to traffic.
Your penis, sadly, has none of this equipment.
Sorry? What on earth am I talking about?
Imagine for a moment..
You are on a motorway slip road. You engage third gear and step hard on the gas. The car surges forward faster and faster. Once on the motorway you simply stayed like that – foot on the floor, ignoring the screaming engine, the rev counter in the red, the speedo creeping up beyond 90, gripping the wheel in panic, the thought “I hope I don’t’ crash... I mustn’t crash,” racing through your mind as you dodge trucks and cars barely aware of ominous blue flashing lights in your rear view mirror….
Crazy or what?
Driving is a skill. Driving well is a constant process of fine tuning power and speed to adapt to road conditions, hills and bends and traffic. To do this, you are aided by instruments, the speedo, the rev counter, mirrors etc and by rules you learned as a novice: take 4th gear at 30mph, 5th at 50 etc.
How hard would it be to drive well without instruments and without the rules?
Yet in love making this is so often what we do.
We make love as if we are driving blind without instruments or, any sense of control. In fact many men approach sex like a crazy driver, humping away with the gas pedal on the floor, in the wrong gear desperately hoping they won’t come to soon.
Lovemaking like driving is a skill, a learned skill. If you want your lovemaking to be more than a brief moment of excitement, you need to learn to monitor and regulate your level of arousal (excitement, stimulation, turned-on-ness etc) much the same way a skilled driver keeps the car running smoothly.
To overcome premature ejaculation or simply to last longer in bed you need an effective “arousalometer”. You also need brakes, gas pedal and gear stick and you need to know how to use them.
Of course you don’t need a strap on gadget, thank goodness! You need to be able to monitor and regulate how aroused you are at any point during lovemaking . You need to create your own "arousalometer" by developing and refining your body awareness and sensitivity .
Two tools my clients have found very helpful are the Traffic Light Arousalometer and the Arousal Curve. Let's look at them.
The Traffic Light "Arousalometer"
The Traffic Light Arousalometer is a simple way of tuning in to your arousal level. Unlike regular traffic lights, the Arousalometer traffic lights have four colours, white, green, amber and red. Each colour relates to a different level of arousal right up to the point of no return. Let's look at each level in turn.
Imagine you are lying in bed alone. You are relaxed and comfortable, your body feels easy and peaceful. There are no sexual thoughts in your mind, there is no arousal. You are in a stable, neutral state. This state without arousal, excitement or stimulation is the WHITE State.
Now imagine your partner (real or imagined) climbs into bed with you. You begin to embrace gently and lovingly, but not particularly passionately. Sexual energy is flowing, you might well be becoming erect but there is no urgency or pressure. Your main experience is pleasure, the simple sensual pleasure of touch and closeness. This feels like a fairly stable state. You could stay here a while without any escalation.
Welcome to the pleasure zone! In the traffic light system we call this THE GREEN zone. It's the level of arousal where you feel pleasure but you are still calm. Contrary to what you see in the movies and read about in glossy mags, great sex includes a lot of GREEN.
Now things hot up between the two of you. There is passion and urgency and a feeling of escalating sexual excitement. Sensations of pleasure become intense. You can feel yourself building towards ejaculation.
You are in the ORANGE zone, the zone of passionate and excitement.
Finally the stimulation builds to a point where ejaculation becomes unavoidable. You are at the point of ejaculatory inevitability, the point of no return. You have crossed the threshold into the the RED ZONE, the zone of ejaculation.
The Traffic Light "Arousalometer"
WHITE - Neutral, no arousal
GREEN - Moderate arousal, pleasure but no urgency or escalation
AMBER - High arousal, excitement, urgency and escalation
RED - The point of no return, ejaculation
The Arousal Curve
How you move through the four Traffic Light zones determines your Arousal Curve.
Here is the arousal curve of a fairly normal guy during lovemaking.
It's a fairly straight line moving up through the zones towards ejaculation and then dropping back to white in the post-ejaculatory "refactory period". The curve is gradual enough that there is just about time for both partners to have a reasonably enjoyable experience.
Now here is a man with bad to severe premature ejaculation.
His curve is so steep that he is through ORANGE and into RED almost before he has started. GREEN doesn't really get a look in. There is little time for pleasure for either partner.
Now let's look at the curve of a skilled lover.
It's not a curve at all! Rather than a linear progression, he is cycling back and forth between GREEN and ORANGE hitting peaks of ORANGE but never crossing into RED until he chooses. His experience is of waves of pleasure rather than a race to release. This man is enjoying sexual pleasure on a scale unimaginable to the regular guy or the guy with premature ejaculation. His partner is going to be a happy woman too!
The art of lasting longer during sex, is the art of regulating your level of arousal so you stay in GREEN and ORANGE for as long as you choose, gradually training yourself to sustain a high level of ORANGE without flipping over into RED.
How does the skilled lover manage this?
The skilled lover is a lot like the skilled driver propelling a car along a winding, hilly country road smoothly and safely while enjoying the ride. Just as the driver is able to monitor and regulate the speed, power and direction of the car, the skilled lover is aware of his arousal levels and constantly adjusts the speed and power of his movements, his breath, his muscle tension, his thoughts etc so he stays comfortably in the GREEN and AMBER zone as long as he chooses. With practice, this becomes effortless. I call this level of effortlessness where you have complete choice about whether, or indeed if you ejaculate, Ejaculatory Freedom.
By contrast the unskilled lover is more like a drag racer!
There is a lot more to good ejaculatory control than this, an emotionally mature attitude to sex that focuses on pleasure and intimacy rather than release, and freedom from sexual fears and tensions are important for example, but the essential foundation is the ability to monitor and adjust your arousal levels. The Traffic Light Arousalometer and the Arousal Curve are a practical and powerful way to monitor yourself.
A Step by Step Approach
You learn any skill by practicing small steps until they become easy and natural. Skillful sex and Ejaculatory Freedom are no different. If you serious about overcoming premature ejaculation and lasting longer, you need a step by step method.
The Ejaculatory Freedom system I teach to my 1:1 clients is just that, a step by step approach to becoming a skillful lover. The Ejaculatory Freedom system is unique in several ways.
- It gives you practical skill in monitoring and regulating your arousal levels through a graded sequence of exercises both solo and with a partner based on the Traffic Light System.
- It dramatically boosts your confidence and pleasure in the bedroom using cutting edge "Mind Sculpture" psychological techniques to free you from past fears and negative beliefs and install the mindset of a true master lover.
- Perhaps most uniquely, it addresses the one fundamental hidden cause of premature ejaculation that no one, not even professional sex therapists and researchers acknowledge.
Since not every man has the opportunity to do a 1:1 Ejaculatory Freedom programme with me, I've have now written a book on the system. The book is called, How to Last Longer in Bed - A Practical New Approach for Men to Radically Transform Their Lovemaking. The book is a practical self-help guide based on the time tested system I use with my clients.
This book is for you,
- If you have suffered long term with serious premature ejaculation to the point where it has interfered with your fulfilment in sex and relationships.
- If you have recently developed premature ejaculation and don’t understand why.
- If you have never lasted particularly long and would like to last longer.
- If you are feeling pressured by your partner to “do better” in bed.
- If you have a good sex life and good staying power but you’d like to be even better.
Not only will this book show you exactly how to beat premature ejaculation, it is full of powerful advice and insights about how to create a truly satisfying and pleasure filled sex life for you and your partner.
The book is available as both a paperback and a Kindle edition. Click on the link below to get your copy.
Mentor, transformational coach and author
"Holding a strong centre ground between life coach, natural health consultant and sexuality coach I work with the whole man, guiding you through the truly big challenges in life: Identity, purpose and confidence, work, relationships, sex, health and wellbeing."
"So I've got a string of letters after my name and 25 years in the field.... It helps being qualified and experienced. But the most valuable thing I can share is what I have learned the hard way in my own life journey from shy Mr Nice Guy to empowered King in my own realm."