Do you feel trapped by premature ejaculation? It can seem that way if it happening to you frequently or severely. You can feel helpless and hopeless, overtaken by blame and shame and as if your sexual pleasure and your self-worth as a man has been destroyed.
With the right step by step approach PE can be easily overcome, however one of the things that may be holding you back is the ideas and beliefs you have about PE.
Here are three common myths that may be getting in the way of enjoying the love life you long for.
Myth 1 – PE is a medical condition
Dave was determined to find a cure for his premature ejaculation. He did his research and decided he was one of those men who are just naturally hypersensitive. He tried delay creams but they did nothing. He did more research and decided he had low serotonin. He tried supplements like 5HTC and St John’s Wort with no effect. He went to his doctor who put him on antidepressive medication which made him drowsy and impotent.
Dave's biggest obstacle was that he was taken in by the myth that PE is a medical condtion. In almost all cases, it isn't. It's a behavioural and emotional issue.
Nowadays we “medicalise” all kinds of problems that are more to do with the heart or soul. We want experts in white coats to take responsibility for our happiness and cure us with magic pills.
It’s the same with premature ejaculation. We look for an easy medical explanation and ignore what is actually going on in our life. There has been a lot of recent attention on the neurotransmitter serotonin as the “cause” of PE. Low levels of serotonin are supposed to cause PE and treatment with serotonin boosting drugs (SSRIs) is believed to cure it. A drug has even been specifically licenced in the UK to treat PE.
This misses the point. Yes PE, does involve neurochemistry, but so does every other part of human life. SSRIs work because they dampen your libido. They work because they make you less interested in sex and they make sex less pleasurable. Is what you want? A pill to make sex more boring so you can last longer? Wouldn’t you prefer to have really good sex AND last longer?
I believe that it is a mistake to regard PE as a medical condition. Having PE or being free of PE really comes down to how you think and act sexually. It is something you do, not something that happens to you. Think of PE as a disease, and you are helpless and reliant on the men in white coats. Think about premature ejaculation as something you do, then you can change through your own actions. You are empowered.
So what is really going on with premature ejaculation? It is quite simple really. PE is primarily triggered by excitement or nervousness. Good ejaculatory control comes down to being relaxed, aware of your body and skilful in your sexual actions. If you are in a highly excitable or nervous state, you will be tense, speeded up, unfocused and during sex. The result will be PE.
And what makes you excited or nervous? Among my clients with PE I often see one of two patterns. The first is the over excited “Caveman” who needs to learn to slow down, calm down. The second is anxious “Mr Nice Guy” who needs more confidence and more connection with his personal power.
Dave got over his premature ejaculation when he came to terms with, and overcame, his long standing lack of sexual confidence.
Myth 2 – Premature Ejaculation is only a Male Issue
Alec developed PE for the first time with his new girlfriend, Sarah. Sarah was gorgeous and fun to be with, but Alec soon found she tended to be tense, distant and disconnected during sex. This made Alec tense too so he tended to rush and come quickly. When the couple sought counselling, Sarah was able to share about a past history of abuse and they began to work together towards a better intimate life.
Who does PE happen to during sex? The man, you say, of course.
Wrong! It takes two to party and sex is a partner game. Often PE needs to understood as a couple’s issue not the man’s issue exclusively.
Premature ejaculation was not Alec's issue, it was about Alec's and Sarah's relationship.
Never forget the wisdom of the penis. It is not your “tool”, but a highly sensitive emotional antenna which will tell you if things are not right between you and your lover. If you ejaculate very quickly your penis may be saying “this doesn’t feel good, let’s get it over and done with quickly and get out of here!”
So what’s wrong? Perhaps she is the wrong partner for you. Maybe it’s a simple lack of sexual compatibility. Perhaps there is some unspoken current of feeling between you: guilt, resentment, anger, dependency etc. Remember too that it may be her stuff: her fears and hang ups, her expectations.
Sometimes it can be simple lack of communication around sex. The couple don’t really understand each other’s sexual preferences and needs. When I work with a couple, the starting point is often a full and frank sharing about what they do and don’t enjoy, what they want and don’t want and what they are getting or not getting. I never cease to amazed about how little many people really know about their partner’s sexual needs and how powerfully an honest sharing can improve their intimate life.
If you have premature ejaculation and you sense there are issues in the relationship, don't take on the guilt or shame. You need to deal with it together. Open communication is the essential first step.
Myth 3 - Having Premature Ejaculation Makes You Less of a Man
Simon was on a mission to prove himself as a man. Everything he did, his work, the sports he played, his friendships was an arena was a competitive arena where he could be Mr Alpha. There was only one problem. In bed with a woman he never lasted more than a few seconds. He was so shamed by this crack in his manly armour that he never dated for long and mainly sought our prostitutes when he felt the need for sexual release.
Simon is trapping himself with the belief that premature ejaculation makes him less of a man.
There's a lot of shame around our personal “faults.” We tend to believe they diminish our worth as a person. Nowhere is this most apparent that in our sexuality. Now, premature ejaculation is a fact of life for some men. If it’s happening to you, it’s real but how you think about it crucially affects how easily you can overcome it.
If you think, “I often come too quickly, I am a failure!” you have pretty much written yourself off and consigned yourself to hopelessness. It is true that you have so far “failed” to acquire the skill of ejaculation control, but doing something badly and being a failure are two very different things. The first is simply an action that you can learn to do better. The second is an indictment of your self-worth.
This becomes particularly edgy for men because we are so programmed to feel we have to prove our manhood to the world.
One of the ways we prove our manhood is by being a success sexually i.e. a stud. Being able to win a woman, get her clothes off and get inside her and bang her all night are notches on the staff of our masculine self-esteem. If we can be the "best she's ever had" then there are several bonus notches too.
The result is that you become overly focused on your sexual performance as a measure of your manhood and your worth as a person. Being performance oriented stops you being present in the experience. You get into your head rather than your body and you create a lot of tension. In fact you create the exact conditions of excitement and nervousness that lead to PE! you are in a vicious circle.
If you have PE and indulge negative, self-pitying thoughts like, “I’m no good, I’m useless in bed, I’m a failure as a lover” you make matters worse and trap yourself in a spiral of hopelessness.
So, don't make sex just about you. Let go completely of any idea that how you are in bed has any effect on your self-worth at all. Let go of the idea that you need the adulation of a writhing moaning woman beneath you to reassure you that you are a man.
A Step by Step Approach to beating Premature Ejaculation
Overcoming premature ejaculation is about learning a skill. Lovemaking is a skill just like playing a sport or a musical instrument is a skill. You learn any skill by practicing small steps until they become easy and natural. Skilful sex is no different. If you serious about overcoming premature ejaculation and lasting longer, you need a step by step method.
The Ejaculatory Freedom system I teach to my 1:1 clients is just that, a step by step approach to becoming a skilful lover. The Ejaculatory Freedom system is unique in several ways.
- It gives you practical skill in monitoring and regulating your arousal levels through a graded sequence of exercises both solo and with a partner.
- It dramatically boosts your confidence and pleasure in the bedroom using cutting edge "Mind Sculpture" psychological techniques to free you from past fears and negative beliefs and install the mindset of a true master lover.
- Perhaps most uniquely, it addresses the one fundamental hidden cause of premature ejaculation that no one, not even professional sex therapists and researchers acknowledge.
Since not every man has the opportunity to do a 1:1 Ejaculatory Freedom programme with me, I've have now written a book on the system. The book is called, How to Last Longer in Bed - A Practical New Approach for Men to Radically Transform Their Lovemaking. The book is a practical self-help guide based on the time tested system I use with my clients.
This book is for you,
- If you have suffered long term with serious premature ejaculation to the point where it has interfered with your fulfilment in sex and relationships.
- If you have recently developed premature ejaculation and don’t understand why.
- If you have never lasted particularly long and would like to last longer.
- If you are feeling pressured by your partner to “do better” in bed.
- If you have a good sex life and good staying power but you’d like to be even better.
Not only will this book show you exactly how to beat premature ejaculation, it is full of powerful advice and insights about how to create a truly satisfying and pleasure filled sex life for you and your partner.
The book is available as both a paperback and a Kindle edition. Click on the links below to get your copy.
Mentor, transformational coach and author
"Holding a strong centre ground between life coach, natural health consultant and sexuality coach I work with the whole man, guiding you through the truly big challenges in life: Identity, purpose and confidence, work, relationships, sex, health and wellbeing."
"So I've got a string of letters after my name and 25 years in the field.... It helps being qualified and experienced. But the most valuable thing I can share is what I have learned the hard way in my own life journey from shy Mr Nice Guy to empowered King in my own realm."