The Art of Cunnilingus - Nick Hudis

The Art of Cunnilingus...

By Nick Hudis

Author of How to Make Love to a Woman with your Soul​

The other day, I found myself watching a clip from a sexual instruction DVD which gave detailed step by step instructions on how to give oral sex to a woman demonstrated with soft focus and saccharine music by a svelte young couple.

As I watched their choreographed movements I began to wonder whether in bedrooms across the world couples were re-enacting this performance. “Ooops I missed the bit where I pull her labia with my lips… hmmm what comes next?….”

And I began to ponder on the art of cunnilingus.

​Hearing other boys boast that they had “been down on a girl”, I had only the haziest notion what they meant...

For myself, I was a late starter,and hearing other boys boast that they had “been down on a girl”, I had only the haziest notion what they meant. For them it was a rite of passage, a proof of manhood, but it was passage into a world I was not part of.

I was in my early twenties when with my first real girlfriend my lips and tongue first explored her secret garden. Passion and inexperience laced our lovemaking with a heady mix of innocence and intensity. The feeling of adventure, of taboo breaking, of entering a sacred temple, the intoxication of her fragrance and the sensual delights that met my questing tongue remain vivid to this day.

So to explore the art of cunnilingus. Let me introduce you to three characters. Mr Alpha Male, Mr Nice Guy and the Master Lover.

Mr Alpha Male – Cunnilingus as Performance

Mr Alpha Male. He’s read all the ebooks that say he’s got to appear dominant, got to run the show. A writhing moaning female underneath him is another notch on his staff of self-esteem. He goes down on her to feel good about himself and to get her aroused enough and wet enough and quickly enough that he can enter her. For Mr Alpha, full penetrative sex is the only bit that really counts as a “score”. He wants in, and quickly. Going down on her gets him where he wants to be with least delay and effort. And it gives him a chance to show off: “Look at me Babe, I’ve got all the moves, I’m such a stud”. At the end of the day he is just using the woman to wank in and pays lip service (literally!) to her pleasure.

Mr Nice Guy – Dutiful Cunnilingus

Then there is Mr Nice Guy. Nice sensitive post-feminist guys who have woken up to the the fact that sex is not one sided, that women need pleasure and often need to time get aroused. Mr Nice Guy does it to please her. Mr Nice Guy takes more responsibility for his lover’s pleasure than he does for his own. Going down on her gets him approval and earns him love, gets him the satisfaction of knowing he is doing the right thing, gets him the security of knowing that if he’s pleased her enough it won’t matter that he comes quickly when he enters her. He’s read the books that say “lick here first, then suck here”. He’s not sure he quite likes her smell and well… the vulva is a bit confusing. He’s doing his best but he is so busy try to please that he has cut off from his own feelings. He is holding back his own power and pleasure.

The Master Lover

By contrast, the Master Lover pleasures his partner and there is a world of difference between pleasing her and pleasuring her. With pleasuring there is no agenda, no ulterior motive. He’s not seeking approval, he’s not trying to get her aroused, he is not showing off. It’s simply joy and delight. Pleasuring is playful, not dutiful. He does more than please her i.e. fulfil her expectations, he may take her on a journey into the unknown of herself, to places within herself she’s hardly glimpsed. He’s not controlling, but he is leading her and to follow she has to surrender, not to him, but to her own pleasure.

Pleasuring suggests mutuality, pleasure for both the pleasuree and the pleasurer. Ultimately the Master Lover goes down out of sheer spontaneous delight in his lover. Her yoni is a feast of textures and tastes and aromas to be savoured. It is a landscape of breathtaking beauty to be lingered in, enjoying each new vista. He wants to tell her how beautiful, how luscious, how utterly delicious she is. He tells her not in words but with tongue and lips. Each tongue stroke, each suck is a love poem serenading her with the song: “feel your divinity my love, feel your power”. In so honouring her she feels his beauty, his divinity, his power too.

In this kind of oral love there is a subtle energetic exchange and attunement.

To the Taoists, the juices that flow from the “Jade Temple” are a precious yin elixir. In former times in China, men would literally drink in their lover’s elixir to nourish and balance the fire of their yang with her yin. As he drinks, the playful dance of his mouth, like a dragon searching for pearls on the sea bottom, releases the flow of her waters and kindles her fire, her yang. The Tigress is awakened. So between both lovers and within each, there is a union, a resolution of polarities and a merging into that which lies beyond fire and water, yang and yin, Dragon and Tigress, Man and Woman.

Forget “ lick here, suck there”.

So what is the art of cunnilingus? Forget “ lick here, suck there”. Forget the Complete Clute’s Guide to Oral Sex in Ten Easy to Follow Steps. It’s not about technique. Stop thinking of it as foreplay, as a preparation, as means to an end. Let this act of love be the symphony, not the prelude. Be with it as the main course, not just the hors d’oeuvres. Just let go into the pleasure of the moment, delight in all your senses, open your heart to her and everything else will follow.

​This article is a taster of my forthcoming book, How to Make Love to a Woman with your Soul.  This book is an inspiring and practical guide to sacred sexuality for heterosexual men.  I will be releasing the book, free of charge as a series of blog posts throughout 2018 before publishing it in its entirety. 

To be sure you receive all the chapters and don't miss out on this groundbreaking book, click on the button below and subscribe to How to Make Love to a Woman with your Soul.​

Nick Hudis

Mentor, transformational coach and author​

"Holding  a strong centre ground between life coach, natural health consultant and sexuality coach I work with the whole man, guiding you through the truly big challenges in life:  Identity, purpose and confidence, work, relationships, sex, health and wellbeing." 

"Read about how a shy Mr Nice Guy became a counselor to other men and the five vital lessons I learned along the way."