Men have cycles too - Nick Hudis

Men have cycles too

The secret of managing frustration and gaining ejaculation control

​If you are troubled by sexual frustration and struggle with ejaculation control, you need to master your ejaculatory cycle.

This article explains how.  It is based on a chapter in my book, How To Last Longer In Bed.​

Many processes in the body are cyclical. There are some obvious ones like our sleep cycle and our digestive cycle but there are many other cycles that seem to be regulated by times of day, season, or simply the ticking of our internal body clock.

Most of us are familiar with the idea that women have a cycle.  The 28 day menstrual cycle controls a woman's fertility and receptivity to sex by adjusting the level of key hormones. We also know very well, sometimes to our cost, how the menstrual cycle also affects a woman's mood!

What is less well known is that men have cycles that affect our sexual energy too.  Essentially they affect whether your sexual energy is high or low.

Male cycles primarily affect the male hormone testosterone. When you have high levels of testosterone your libido tends to be high, the instinctive urge to ejaculate will be stronger and you feel more driven in life. When testosterone levels are low, you are less interested in sex, the urge to ejaculate is lower and you feel less motivated in life.

Learning to recognize and respect your cycles can help you manage your sexual energy in a number of ways:

• Strengthen your erections and make them more reliable.

• Increase your libido if it is low.

• Increase your motivation and drive in life generally.

• Manage feelings of sexual frustration or distraction.

Here are the important male cycles.

The Daily Cycle

Your testosterone levels fluctuate on a daily cycle. Your levels of testosterone rise gradually during the night and reach a peak at the time you wake. This is why you often have "morning wood" and feel randy when you first wake up. As the saying goes "morning fuck brings good luck". (This can be a tad frustrating when you are lying there pumped up like a stag in rutting season and your partner is snoring contentedly. Hint: she is not going to be too pleased to be pulled from dreamland by feeling your erection poking between her legs!).

Your testosterone levels decline progressively during the day and by late afternoon will be at their lowest ebb.

The Yearly Cycle

Your testosterone levels fluctuate throughout the year, being highest from April through to October and lowest through the winter.  

The Hourly Cycle

Your testosterone levels can change rapidly minute by minute. For example, simply standing in a triumphant posture or remembering or anticipating success can instantly elevate your testosterone levels by as much as 20% in an instant! Typically, however testosterone levels fluctuate somewhat every 15 to 20 minutes.  This cycle is less significant for your sexual energy, but it has a bearing on your mood and motivation.

The Lunar Cycle

I have never seen any research on this but I have observed in myself over many years that my libido tends to be very high around full moon. Women are often highly sexual at this time too. Open the curtains, turn off the light and let the silvery light of the moon glisten on your naked bodies…. enjoy!

The Female Pheromone Cycle

Again, I have never seen any research on this but I have often felt the urge or need to ejaculate can be highest when my partner is around ovulation and her libido is highest. It is likely that a man picks up on the subtle pheromonal, hormonal and body language signals that a woman is broadcasting to say that she is receptive and fertile. Your inner caveman then gets the message that this is a good opportunity to spread his genes.

The Ejaculatory Cycle

The Ejaculatory Cycle is the most important cycle to be aware of.

I also call this cycle the Caveman Cycle or the Frustration Cycle because it is driven by your biological programming and is often felt as frustration.

Caveman is your basic biological programming as a male. We may think you  are a sophisticated 21st century man, but you have the genes of Caveman, your prehistoric ancestor.

Caveman's agenda is simple: Fight off the other males. Grab a female. Hold her down long enough that you can impregnate her before she gets away or another male pulls you off.

This is the Frustration Cycle:

Feel horny - Look for an opportunity to release – Release - Feel calm - Start all over again.

I call this the Frustration Cycle because, except for a brief explosion of pleasure followed perhaps by a nap, most of the time Caveman is wound up and frustrated trying to get his next release.

And the lives of most men today are stilled ruled by Caveman’s Frustration Cycle.

Let's start from the point immediately after an ejaculation. You are in the so-called refractory period. The prostate gland and seminal ducts have emptied. The hormone prolactin which subdues sexual desire has been secreted. Testosterone is low. Feelings of needing to release, of frustration have dissipated. Your tendency to fantasise and think about sex is lower. You might feel sleepy, contented, unfocused or even low in mood. In simple terms immediately after ejaculation your sexual energy is low.

Over time our sexual energy builds again. Testosterone rises, the prostate fills again with semen, and fresh sperm arrive from the testes. We feel increasing libido, we become more interested in sex, we fantasise more, and we ogle women more. We have more feelings of frustration and distraction. Eventually the feeling of the need for release becomes so strong that we seek an outlet either in partner sex or masturbation.

The cycle begins again.

Virtually every man I have ever talked to is familiar with this cycle.

How long is the ejaculatory cycle? The simple answer is that it varies from one man to another. It is highly dependent on your age, your health and your general energy and stress levels.

For a healthy teenager or young man the cycle may be as little as a few minutes to a few hours.

For an older man depending on his health and fitness levels and other factors it may be anything from several days to several weeks.

Unlike a woman's cycle or the other male cycles that I have described the Ejaculatory Cycle has an element of choice. If you choose to ignore the signals from your body, the urge to ejaculate will become stronger and stronger so that either you will ejaculate spontaneously in your sleep or when you do engage in some form of sexual activity you will ejaculate very quickly.  This can be a significant factor in premature ejaculation.

At the other end of the scale if you ejaculate at a frequency faster than your body can replenish its sexual energy, your sexual energy will gradually decline to the point where you are unable to become erect yet alone ejaculate and your libido drops away. Your body is saying it needs to hole up and rest.

In a nutshell: you need to ejaculate periodically to keep your system in balance. Ejaculate too infrequently and your system will run too hot and you’ll feel pent up, distracted and frustrated - and most likely come quickly during sex. If you ejaculate too frequently, your system will run cold and you’ll most likely find it hard to get erect, yet alone ejaculate.

Find the sweet spot and you will not only feel energised and alive sexually but you’ll be in control. The urge to ejaculate will not hijack your love making and you’ll be able to enjoy prolonged and satisfying intimacy with your partner.

How do I measure my own cycle?

Most men when they think about it have an instinctive feel for how long their Ejaculatory Cycle lasts.

To get an idea of your natural ejaculatory cycle, think about the following:

Feel with total realism how frequently you really "need" sex? I say total realism because the reaction of a lot of men would be to say “every day, several times!” But if you think a little bit more deeply you will perceive that such a fantasy is both unrealistic and undesirable

Unless you are sexually addicted or have a strong emotional dependency on sex you will have some feel for how regularly that powerful physical drive towards sex shows up.

You can experiment. Keep a journal and daily score your sexual energy on a 1 to 10 scale. Notice how it cycles from one ejaculation to the next. Over a period of weeks you’ll get a sense how your cycle works.

Another experiment would be for a period to stop all sexual stimulation, intercourse, masturbation, fantasising etc. and notice how long it is before your sexual urges and needs become obsessive.

Another experiment would be to ejaculate as frequently as possible until your sexual energy has bottomed out and then record how long it is until you feel your sexual energy is strong again.

What matters is not to measure your cycle precisely. It's too variable and influenced by multiple factors for that. It's more about getting a feel for the rough length of your cycle and a sense at any particular time as to roughly where you are in your cycle.

For example, I know that as a fit healthy man in my late 50s who has worked long and hard on learning to control my sexual energy, my ejaculatory cycle is around one month. I would say that my underlying cycle is probably around seven days but I have learned through the Tantric and Taoist techniques that I have practised and taught for the last 25 years, how to sustain and enjoy a high charge of sexual energy in my body without feeling the need to dissipate it through ejaculation.

I also know that today as I'm sitting here writing I am quite close to the peak of my cycle. The charge of life force that is resulting from my heightened sexual energy is one of the things fuelling the creation of this article.

​How frequently should I ejaculate?

The overall message is that you need to respect your Ejaculatory Cycle. This means:

• Ejaculate at a frequency which keeps the cycle balanced so that neither are you feeling constantly frustrated and distracted by your sexual energy, nor is your sexual energy feeling drained or depleted.

• Not avoiding ejaculation when you are at the peak of your cycle. Many men who are involved in the martial arts or who have read Taoist sexual kung fu books like those by Mantak Chia believe that ejaculation should be avoided at all costs. Men who follow such a regime are doomed to failure and frustration.

• Not ejaculating so frequently that your libido drops and erections lose power. This not only indirectly affects premature ejaculation, but also has serious consequences for your overall energy levels, the strength of your erections and your motivation and drive in life.

Some men, who have been involved in Eastern martial arts, tantra or Taoist practice believe that ejaculating at all is going to be draining and lead to a loss of personal power and possible health complications.  Men who have never been exposed to these ideas tend to be resistant to the idea that frequency of ejaculation can be regulated at all. 

This fear of ejaculation among martial artists and the like is unwarranted.  The ancient Chinese manuals on sex and energy management speak of a balanced approach rather than rigid dogma.  Two pieces of this traditional advice stand the test of time and are a good starting point for men to take control of their sexual energy.  The first, from the ancient Classic of the Plain Girl, suggest typical cycles dependent on age and vitality.

​Some men are strong, some are weak, some men are old and others are in their prime. Each should live according to his own vitality and not try to force the joys of sex. Forcing joy is harmful. Thus, a robust male of 20 may ejaculate twice daily, but an emaciated one should do so no more than once daily. A 30-year-old male may ejaculate once a day, but only once every two days if he’s an inferior specimen. A flourishing man of 40 may emit semen once every three days, but if he’s weak he may do so only once every four days. A robust man of 50 may ejaculate once every five days, but only once every ten days if he is weak. A 60-year-old man in good health may emit once every ten days, or once every 20 days if his health is poor. At 70, a robust man emit once a month, but a weak one should no longer emit semen at all. (Translation by Daniel Reid from t The Tao Of Health, Sex And Longevity) 

The second piece of guidance is from Sun Su Mo, a Tang Dynasty physician who lived to be a hundred and one.

Here is his advice, again from Daniel Reid's translation:

A man may attain health and longevity if he practices an ejaculation frequency of twice monthly, or 24 times in a year. If at the same time he pays careful attention to proper diet and exercise, he will live a long and healthy life.

Sun Su Mo himself had a regime of ejaculating once in a hundred love makings. In practice this has come to be pretty much my regime too.  I appreciate the sense of wellbeing and life energy this regime brings me, as well as the deepened intimacy and pleasure of non-ejaculatory orgasm.

Using the cycle for ejaculatory control

Working with your cycle can be helpful if you struggle with ejaculatory control.

At the peak of the cycle it is challenging for any man to have good ejaculatory control. If your aim is to last longer in bed, then you can choose to release by masturbation at the peak of the cycle and then enjoy more relaxed sex with your partner at other times, without the pressing need to release quickly.

It is not so good to force yourself to have sex at the bottom of the cycle when your body is saying it's time to rest and your libido is low. It's quite possible for many men in this situation to mechanically get an erection and have some kind of sexual experience but emotionally and physically you are not respecting yourself. Ultimately you will drain your sexual energy and perhaps develop erectile dysfunction.

The simplest way of doing this is to ejaculate with masturbation a little while before you anticipate having a sexual encounter. Exactly how long before depends on the typical length of your ejaculatory cycle. I did this for many years and found it very helpful.

A younger man, with a very short cycle who could typically expect to be capable of more than one ejaculation during a session of lovemaking, the answer is to not worry at all about how quickly you ejaculate first time. With that first high-pressure ejaculation out of the way you can pleasure your lover in many different ways, with your hands, with your lips, with your tongue perhaps allowing her to experience one or more orgasms until you have cycled into an "up" phase again and you will be sure to last much longer second time round.

For an older man or a man with a longer cycle, the approach is different. The basic plan would be to ejaculate may be a day or two before an anticipated sexual encounter.

Here are two examples from clients I have worked with.

Richard was a man in his 50s who was embarking on a second time around relationship. He lived quite a distance from his new lover and they would typically meet once a week and go to a hotel together to spend the night. Richard had had a long period of being single and was revelling now in the company of a highly sexual woman. Their encounters were highly charged, passionate and Richard tended to become overexcited and lose control. When he did this, it would be several hours at least before he could get an erection again.

Richard had signed up for my Master Lover program not just to learn how to last longer but out of a strong motivation to explore the full heights of sexual pleasure that he was capable of. However, his premature ejaculation was an early issue that needed to be dealt with. Among other recommendations I told him to ejaculate on his own a day or two before meeting his lover. When he did this, he found he was much less likely to lose control and could sustain a high level of stimulation during lovemaking for a long time.

For my second example, I'll start by telling you an old joke. A market researcher is interviewing people in the street and asking them about how frequently they have sex. She sees a smiling man skipping down the street and asks him. "Every day!" he says with a smile and skips on. She next sees a very depressed looking man shambling down the street. "Once every six months" he sighs. Then she sees a man literally jumping down the street whopping and laughing. "And how often do you have sex?" She asks. "Every 10 years" he says. "Then why are you so happy?" "It's tonight!!! “

Paul and his wife had come to see me for couple's coaching. Although they were in a stable and loving relationship they made love rarely and when they did it was soon over because Paul was both nervous and excited. They wanted me to help them rebuild their physical intimacy. Paul complained of feeling very sexually frustrated a lot of the time and admitted to resorting to porn when things got more than he could handle.

In a one-to-one session with Paul we established that his typical Ejaculatory Cycle was about two weeks. My recommendation to him was that he ejaculated every two weeks through masturbation regardless of whether there was any prospect of lovemaking. This kept his Ejaculatory Cycle balanced and meant that when he and his wife did make love he had much more control. Doing this deliberately and openly took away a lot of his shame and guilt around his sexual needs so he felt generally happier.

Later on, as this couple relearned intimacy and became more able to talk about their sexual needs, he was able for instance to ask her to stimulate him by hand even when she wasn't in the mood for full lovemaking.

What is the key take home message from this article?

The key take-home messages in this article are:

• Learn how long your typical ejaculatory cycle is and be aware of where you are in your cycle at any point in time.

• Respect your cycle by regulating the frequency of your ejaculation to keep the cycle balanced.

​This article is a taster of my forthcoming book, How to Make Love to a Woman with your Soul.  This book is an inspiring and practical guide to sacred sexuality for heterosexual men.  The book is due to be published in 2019.  To receive advanced notice of publication and a groundbreaking new sacred sexuality initative for men I will be launching shortly, please join my mailing list.

Nick Hudis

Mentor, transformational coach and author​

"Holding  a strong centre ground between life coach, natural health consultant and sexuality coach I work with the whole man, guiding you through the truly big challenges in life:  Identity, purpose and confidence, work, relationships, sex, health and wellbeing." 

"Read about how a shy Mr Nice Guy became a counselor to other men, and the five vital lessons I learned along the way."  

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